She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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