i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
