I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
