I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
