Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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