The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize