i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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