I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
