i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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