god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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