Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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