Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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