If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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