I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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