I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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