Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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