We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
