Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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