Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
