Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
