I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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