Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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