I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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