I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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