when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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