Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
