I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
