Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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