laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
