life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
