He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
