Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
