i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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