Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
