Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
