Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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