True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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