Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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