the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
