Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
