Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
