Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
