I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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