Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
