he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
