Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
