It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I came so hard my ears popped.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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