Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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