i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
