I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Drunk is not a location!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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