There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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