Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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