You're my little dorito
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
