Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
