is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
