i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
