you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
