Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
