Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
