AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
