I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize