A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
