I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
