he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
