you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
