Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
