can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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