The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
