Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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